Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Letter: Dear Starkadders of Cold Comfort Farm

Dear Starkadders of Cold Comfort Farm,


There's a piece of your English Countryside Farm that has always appealed to me. The fresh country air, the quaint shops a hop and skip down the country lane, and the loyal nature of your family clan. That seed of filial loyalty was the primary exploitation of your Head Matriarch, Ada Doom, who ruled her family's life and the farm from the shrouded confines of her upstairs bedroom. Any thoughts of modernization? Travel? Careers off the farm? were met with the proclamation that "There's always been Starkadders on Cold Comfort Farm" and if that didn't discourage properly, then the trump card was played: "I saw something nasty in the woodshed!"
You see I'm calling you out, because my daughter recently discovered her trump card, and she's been playing it again and again. The nasty thing she saw in the woodshed aroused my sympathies. I even wrote a nasty letter to whoever scheduled "Frosty the Snowman" and "Criminal Minds" back to back. Aside from the indecencies, the healing, comforting, and striving for cleaner entertainment, my daughter derived a sense of power from this trauma, and it's getting a little out of hand.

Exhibit One:
Rainbow Girl is hanging out with her Idaho Cousins and 11-year-old cousin wants to show her something on the internet. Ever diligent, Rainbow Girl asks permission first, and worries that it could be bad to watch. Mrs. Olsen (the mom) says Go for it! and then Rainbow Girl watches the following clip. Afterwards, she becomes the sullen female of the cousin group, and proclaims that she is sensitive. She also gets lots of extra attention and won't go to bed at night. Prepare to be damaged for life:







This coming from a kid whose favorite toddler movie was "The Nightmare Before Christmas". The thing is, she warbles her voice and calls out "MoOoom?" while she gives me a play by play for every innocent, if slightly irreverent, clip, joke, or sibling rivalry.

MoOOoom? (warbly voice of a deserted victim discovered 3 hours post-trauma)I think that the show was inappropriate.

Charlie the Unicorn? I ask.

Uh-huh.

Exhibit 2:
Desperate to refresh our favorite movie feeding off our proud Idahoan heritage, we decide to watch Napoleon Dynamite over Christmas. This was Rainbow Girl's idea, and after our day was done, we nestle in for this flick. As it begins, she reverts into watchdog and says: "Wait mom, Vanilla Wafer (age 4) probably shouldn't be watching this. I think there's some bad words." After which she kills the humor of this flick by turning to her brother after Napoleon delivers his deadpan "Idiot!" name-calling, and says "Hey. Hey. Don't say that word brother".

She gave her brother some excellent training that day.

Time for bed!
MooOom....so-and-so threw a snowball at me yesterday

Please gather the eggs!
MooOom...my cousin told me a scary joke and I can't go outside alone

You're greasy. Take a shower!MoOom...I heard a barking sound under my bed

Signed,
Watchdog parent not willing to be taken hostage by Charlie the Unicorn

6 comments:

Kelly Bryson said...

I love it. Smart girl. I used the "I'm afraid I'll throw up if you force me to go to school on this Friday that I happen to have three tests on" all the time. My mom caved like every time and Look at me! I'm fine!

LGH said...

Oh, your beautiful daughter. I love her goodness and sensitivity. And, I love how you are SUCH a great mom. You keep protecting her..that's good!

Lee Family said...

haha I can't stop saying, "Charlie" over and over in their awesome whiney voices. Although stupid Charlie did take the Lord's name in vain a couple times and that totally bugs me.
Tell her to stop saying "moooooom" in the whiney unicorn voices or you'll put her in a candy cave and take a kidney. just kidding. don't really say that because you'll be on the list of inappropriate things for her to see/hear.
Stop writing posts and start working on that hymn.

earwaxtasteslikecrayons said...

I only caught half of this (or maybe 2/3) and I still thought it was brilliant. (Can't watch the clip, but any unicorn named Charlie is bound to be trouble.)

Heather said...

I'm sorry that the whole brutal murder after Frosty thing happened, but I can't help but laugh at all of the stuff since... Lydia has tried to pull that kind of thing on us a few times already. Her fear of choice is Clayface from a Batman cartoon. She doesn't even know who it is any more, but she things she can get away with not going to sleep is she says "Clayface is scaring me". We've kind of had to call her bluff. Good luck, and I miss seeing you guys... like, EVER!

Mrs. Olsen said...

Kids are smart. Heather, Lydia is totally working you over.

I agree...it's been FOREVER since we hung out. We've had a lot of sickness this month so it's probably good you weren't around to catch it.